For the Sake of the Mask

No, I haven't forgotten about this blog.

We all do things that we know aren't necessarily good for us, but nor do they necessarily harm us. We're not sure why we do them, we just know they help us along.

We also put on masks. We don't suppose the world at large, or the select few we share space with, could handle all our shit in its raw form. Or maybe the thought is that we couldn't handle ourselves that raw. Maybe we're faking it until we make it. Maybe we want the security that comes from being behind something.

I had a  thought coming out of the shower that the two phenomena are related. Some of our masks get so familiar, so essential to our daily lives, that we can forget we're putting them on. We stop feeling the mental motions we go through to quiet our facial ticks, reign in that urge to speak our true minds, and otherwise present someone that the world won't ostracize.

Whether that mask is made of silk or cast iron, putting it on takes work no matter what. It's still a chore that we do, and eventually what was once a tantrum-inducer becomes muscle memory. A little thing you don't notice until one day you noticed that you stopped noticing, but it still takes effort.

Where do we get the energy to do something we forget we're doing? Maybe it's from the little indulgences that aren't problems until they become problems.

Seems like the two share some things. That's all.

Armistice

I haven't posted war updates in a while. This isn't because there haven't been any, but because they've just been a little too complicated to articulate.

Wars have a lot of stages. One of the best is when the parties remember that they have more things in common than different and begin the process of negotiations.

There are things that've happened that led me to believe the universe worked against me. Time may be that I believe that again. Today I'm remembering that I 'm part of the universe, and that I carry a piece of it in me. This doesn't let it off the hook, but perhaps we can work together more on setting things right.

White dungeon from the sky

It's snowing a lot. It makes getting out of the house much less of an option. I'm undecided how I feel about that.

I'm back onto my normal work schedule since the fall, which is good. I am NOT back to my previous stamina, which is not good. It means an average day at work exhausts me, and an average week pretty much destroys me. It makes my weekends more focused on basic recovery than anything.

This hurts my creative projects because they're what I do after I've taken care of everything else, and by that time I have pretty much nothing left in the tank. It's been almost two months of this. It's frustrating.

Non-Changes

In some ways, breaking my arm has altered my life in permanent ways. I've got a wicked scar. Wearing short sleeves shirts will not be enough to keep a passerby from noticing and from that point on, no matter what I've done with my life, for some people I'm always and only going to be "that guy with the arm scar". Even when I get my strength back, I'll probably always be cautious of what I do with it.

But there are a lot of things about me that have not changed, and likely won't ever. For instance, sleeping on my stomach still appeals to me, but trying it just sets my arm on fire. And while on the subject, I still don't sleep well. Since I wasn't sleeping last night I tried meditating, and it worked to a point. Instead of feeling wearing and unmovable, I can move around fine but am sporting a wicked headache. I'm also not going to every be bodybuilding champion of the world, but honestly I let that dream die a while back.

There are crepes in my near future, which makes me happy. Fat Tuesday's fun no matter how you celebrate it, but depending on how this turns out I may start a movement to bring the pancake tradition to my corner of the States. I can think of many people that would have no problem with this at all.

There's also a bar with hundreds of styles of gin on tap promised for tonight. Thinking about it, I think these "vacation" dealies might catch on.

Vacation

While there's no such thing as gentle travelling, especially over oceans and continents, I have to admit so far this isn't so bad.

CONTEXT: My dad flew me out to visit him in England for a little while, see the sights and the accommodations he's getting used to. They're pretty swank.

Lugging luggage (band name trademarked) with one arm is less fun than it sounds. I put my sling back on mostly to remind myself not to do anything stupid like try to lift anything, but also to play up some sympathy with the airline staff. Officially there's little they can do, but I did find myself alone in my row of seats, which is just about the next best thing to First Class. I liked it!

Dad and I have been roaming the area a lot. The day I got here we walked through Grantham to pick up the essentials, Thursday we went to Melton Mowbray and toured St. Mary's and the Anne of Cleves Pub. Neither one had the souvenier Dad really wanted (his missing glasses), but both were fun. Saturday we just barely made it into York, seeing as half the country was going in that direction, but we had a good time. The York Minster is one of the most spectacular churches there is, I challenge anyone to walk the Viking wall and NOT want the Visigoths to invade just so you can fight them off, and the rest of the city is lovely (though crowded).

But there's also the grand estate that is my dad's home and place of business this semester. It's like a vacation home planted in the 1850's - all the settings of a romanticised aristocratic lifestyle without sacrificing modern amenities. Today's goal is pictures. Lots of pictures.

And getting to London. But other than that!

It's been difficult to feel relaxed with so many trips to go on, but it's a different kind of stress and I haven't thought about my normal kind in a while. My right arm is much more flexible to, able to reach almost as far as my left again. I suppose I'll be spending this week getting the last 1-2% of mobility back, because next week is when the doctor tells me how to start rebuilding strength. It's pretty exciting!

Superpowers

Yeah, it's been a while. In my defense, I'm having to relearn how to type with the right side of my body, which isn't fun.

The staples are out and I've transitioned to the phase of my recovery where I'm working the arm to restore its mobility. I about three weeks, I should have that down to the point where I can start rebuilding functional strength.

It hasn't stopped hurting, but it's to the point where I can feel the weight of the plate inside my arm. It's stiff, unyielding, and right now it interferes with moving the arm around. It's a bit creepy.

But on the other hand, this should be a temporary thing. And when it's all said and done, I'm going to have a titanium-reinforced skeleton! I will be a living union of man and machine!!

...

...Okay, so just one bone has the plating, and the machine parts are as simple as they come, but for as big a fan of comics as I am this is still kind of cool.

Still Swinging

Posts about deep personal reflection and the value of life lived versus the life unlived seems like low-hanging fruit, still. So in an effort to avoid being maudlin, here's a fictional couplet:

Here I sit, broken arm-ed,
Thought to fart, but rather sharted.